Becoming What I'm Not by Liza Lane

The grass scratches her legs as she runs through it,

chasing her dogs until her feet feel like they’ll give out with another step.

She flops onto the grass,

lying down and trying to find pictures in the clouds,

one hand on a dog,

the other clutching a Barbie play phone.

She wants so badly to be like her older sister. 

Her sister doesn’t play with the dogs much.

She sees them as dirty,

Annoying and unruly. 

She mostly stays inside on her real phone.

The girl doesn’t care.

She wants to be like her more than anything.

When she sits up,

things are different.

Her hair no longer has that perfect bouncy blond curl.

Her dogs move more slowly than they did before.

She’s scared to start kindergarten.

Would the new kids like her?

Would her teacher be nice?

She wishes she was starting high school,

just like her sister was.

Getting ready for school confused her.

She put on her favorite pink dress,

the one that had sparkles on the bottom.

She didn't understand why her sister was in all black

with her stomach out.

She thought she loved pink.

Apparently, boys no longer have cooties.

This school is bigger than before.

She’s convinced eighth graders are full adults.

School is harder now.

She struggles to find time to chase her dogs

carelessly through her yard.

That's okay, though;

they don't run much anymore.

They don't do much of anything anymore. 

She doesn't mind;

They are good listeners.

They listen to her talk about her nerves about starting high school.

What would she wear?

Would she straighten or curl her hair?

All the things she heard her sister say that she couldn't seem to comprehend. 

Waiting at the bus stop felt strange.

It was the first time she didn’t have her dogs with her to wave goodbye to her.

She kept her outfit simple;

a black crop top,

black shorts,

white tennis shoes.

As she waits

she scrolls through Instagram,

repeatedly checking whether her post is getting enough likes.

When she was younger,

she would look over her sister's shoulder,

watching her do the same thing

She is filled with an overwhelming sense of sadness.

She wishes the only thing she cared about was growing up to be like her sister,

the same way she felt that day

she chased her dogs around,

not the like count on her post,

or the party she wasn't invited to.

And in that moment,

she realized

she couldn’t be more like her sister

and the worst thing she had ever done

was wish to grow up.