Set Free by Anonymous

The sides of my thin tent glow faintly orange from the lantern in the center. The small rustle the sleeping bag emits fill my ears, the silence, gone just as fast. I feel the warmth from my cocoon of quilts abruptly disappear as my face sticks out into the cold air within my tent. Although it's much colder outside, this small tent is a sanctuary in a desert of snow. A bubble of isolation and comparative warmth for me.

My nose and cheeks start to go numb and pink as I attempt to submit to the soft call of sleep, though the call is too soft. My eyelids carry the weight of my years, few in number but plentiful in hardship. I sit up, pushing against the firm floor, every bit of life taken from my hands as I do so. The warmth that used to fill my chest and core is quickly taken by the cruel air.

I crawl over to the opening of my minuscule tent and struggle with the zipper. My fingers are stiff, my movements sluggish from the cold despite my gloved hands. I zip it inch by inch. Finally, once it's opened enough, I grab my snow boots from next to the tent and shake off the snow. I turn and reach back inside to grab my hat.

The cold is harsh, but beauty lies in all things if you look close enough, especially in the elements. Sub-zero temperatures breed brilliant ice structures; frozen lakes gleaming in the moonlight, waterfalls turned into stagnant sculptures, plants covered in a sparkling coat, and much more harsh beauty. The silence is quiet but powerful in the rocky cliffs, draped with layers of snow. Towering evergreens turned white from the sky. The sky glittering, with stars shining for millions of years and millions to come. I’m comforted by that, that these will shine here long after I’m gone, something eternally present.

My shoulders hunch, a subconscious action to try and maintain some warmth as I lace up my boots. I see my breath and feel the cold seep into my bones the longer I stay outside, but it's time. I stand up, steadily pushing on the snow and hoping not to lose my balance. My gloves leave small imprints behind in the soft snow and I look down at my hands in the cold blue tinted light of the moon, snow now sticking to the skin. I brush my hands together to get it off, but the cold has already seeped into my hands. 

The beginning of the end.

My breath comes out in small, visible puffs and the moisture crystallizes immediately. I slowly walk away from my tent, leaving soft tracks in my wake. 

I walk under the branches of snow-covered pines as the moonlight speckles through the canopy, casting spots of bright, slightly blue light among the shadowed snow covered floor.      The path I travel twists through the woods for almost a mile before coming to an opening at the peak of a mountain. Although I have no ability to tell what time it is, I assume it must be around midnight, the moon high in the sky. Its fullness means I can clearly see the surrounding mountains. No city lights bleed into the sky. I am alone with the stars and moon.  

It’s so quiet. Peaceful in the silence. The only noise filling the air is the wind moving the snow; a pleasant, almost soft swirling noise. No animals have made themselves known. They’re either taking shelter from the cold as I was earlier, or watching me silently from within the shadows of the pines. 

I’m overcome with a feeling of isolation. Not panic-ridden or overwhelming. I choose to separate myself. For the first time I’m truly alone in the world. It fills my soul with peace, I can finally be free. I think about my warm tent. It has become my home for the last few months, though I find my body craving its warmth and familiarity. My heart knows it’s finally time to move on. I have been ready, I just have to accept it. 

I lower myself onto the snow, sitting with my knees up to my chest, letting the cold overcome me. I stretch out on the snow, and as I lay there, staring into the endless sky, numb to the cold, I feel more free and at ease than I have in my whole life. 

As I let my body relax, tears prickly in my eyes making my vision blurry, I wipe my eyes for the view. The clarity of the sky slowly slips away as the moon and stars fade into the black of space. I breathe out one last time. Content.