A Picture in my Nightstand by Ella Goelman

The other day I was cleaning my room

I found old photos of a girl I once knew 

Her hair was longer and her eyes were sadder

But I traced the line of her nose

And I traced mine

I looked at the crooked teeth

That adorned her labored smile

And I wondered

How is it that she and I are the same person?

How is it that she thinks this is her last photo

When I sit here and look through twenty taken after?

How is it that she wants to die

When I have lived a life in the wake of those blue days and not regretted one?

I looked at her chubby cheeks

And I wondered

How was this the person I hated?

How did I look at her with disgust

When all I can see now is an eleven year old with sun on her face

I looked at her matted hair

And I wondered

How did I not love her?

How did I not think she was loved?

I want to scream at the pictures

“I LOVE YOU”

I know she wouldn’t listen even if she could hear

But I want to tell her anyway

I wanted to tell her about a lot of things

Like the movie I watched with my friends 

And the salt-water taffy I ate

And even my homework

I wanted to tell her that it will get better

That in a few years she’ll have a show she watches with her mom

And a go-to restaurant to DoorDash from

And a queen-sized bed that she’ll go to sleep in every night excited to wake up the next morning

And a life that makes her smile

It’s alright

She’ll find out soon

She’ll smile soon

I put the pictures into my nightstand

And I kept cleaning my room